WASHINGTON D.C. — In a bold, compassionate gesture wrapped in an oddly selective sense of patriotism, the Trump administration announced it would be rejecting all federal spending related to Pride Month, citing its desire to “help homeless veterans instead.”

When asked what concrete programs would be launched to assist said veterans, officials quickly excused themselves for an “emergency flag-folding seminar.”

“We believe in real priorities,” said Deputy Assistant Secretary for Prioritizing Things, Dale Hammersmith, while standing in front of a bald eagle mural and what appeared to be an autographed Bible.

“Every rainbow balloon we don’t buy is another MRE in the hands of a hungry Marine. Or at least that’s the idea. I think. Did we budget the MREs yet, Carl?”

Carl, an unpaid intern wearing a MAGA visor and three unpaid parking tickets, responded by shrugging into a fax machine.

The announcement comes just days before the start of June, traditionally celebrated by millions as Pride Month—a time when LGBTQ+ communities are honored for their history, struggles, and triumphs.

But according to the newly created Office of Cultural Prioritization and Other Stuff We Just Made Up, such displays are “not in line with current budgetary values, or biblical meteorology.”

“We’re not anti-Pride,” clarified Press Secretary and Cousin-By-Marriage Sarah Patriot-Brooks.

“We just think taxpayer dollars are better spent making sure our brave veterans are not sleeping under bridges. Unless that bridge is rainbow-colored, in which case we’re burning it down and building a tasteful beige one.”

In a 37-second PowerPoint that looped once before crashing, officials detailed the breakdown of Pride Month spending that would be cut. Canceled initiatives included federal Pride flag raisings, diversity education seminars, and a proposed Department of Justice Drag Bingo fundraiser.

The latter had already raised $75 and three IOUs before being unceremoniously shut down.

When asked if the funds saved would be directly reallocated to homeless veterans, Hammersmith responded, “Well, that depends on how you define ‘directly.’ We’re launching a think tank that will consider a study to recommend a framework to possibly allocate a future portion of funds to veteran-oriented possibilities. So, yes. We care.”

Veteran groups, surprisingly, were not contacted about the initiative.

“We found out on X,” said Sgt. Ron “Gunny” Jenkins (Ret.), founder of Boots on Main Street, a nonprofit for homeless veterans.

“I mean, I’m not mad, I’m just confused. Last year they told us the budget was tight because they were building a gold-plated wall-mounted replica of Trump’s golf swing at Mar-a-Lago. So now suddenly we’re the reason Pride’s canceled? I didn’t sign up to be a scapegoat. I signed up for free pancakes on Veterans Day.”

The administration’s announcement was met with mixed reactions across the political spectrum.

Conservative influencers praised the move as “a return to values,” though none could confirm whether any money had previously been spent on Pride, or if any veteran had, in fact, been helped yet.

Meanwhile, critics pointed out that using veterans as a rhetorical shield to deflect from defunding LGBTQ+ support programs was, at best, opportunistic and, at worst, manipulative.

They even created cartoons.

“Next week they’ll be cutting school lunches to ‘focus on firefighters,’” tweeted @RealSassySenator. “Then they’ll gut public libraries ‘out of deep respect for border agents.’ It’s like a never-ending game of Budgetary Mad Libs.”

Back at the White House, plans were already underway for a new initiative titled “Operation Patriot Prism”, which would replace rainbow flags with flags featuring various shades of red, white, and blue in “non-threatening, heterosexual gradients.”

The operation was expected to cost $4.2 million, but a spokesperson assured the public that “some of that may be tax-deductible depending on how you feel.”

Despite the backlash, the administration remained defiant.

“Pride is just a distraction,” said Patriot-Brooks, adjusting her flag pin to maximum visibility. “The real pride is in serving our country. Unless you’re gay and serving. Then we’ll have to circle back on that.”

At press time, a White House aide was seen sneaking into the break room with a rainbow cupcake, whispering, “Don’t tell Dale.”

And if you haven’t figured out that this article is entirely satire just just yet, it is. Hope you got a good laugh, please share!!

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