In a bold and utterly selfless move, former vice-presidential candidate Tim Walz has re-enlisted in the National Guard, seeking deployment to Iraq after what can only be described as two of the most intense weeks of his life—spent in the company of Vice President Kamala Harris.

At a hastily arranged press conference, Walz made the announcement that has since sent shockwaves through both political and military circles.

“After careful consideration, I have decided to re-enlist in the armed forces and seek deployment to somewhere—anywhere,” said Walz, the desperation in his voice palpable. “I’ll go to Iraq, for real this time. I will go to any war zone you want. I’m begging you.”

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Yes, you heard that right. While most people would consider spending time with a sitting vice president as a career-defining opportunity, Walz has opted for a career-ending, potentially life-threatening deployment in a war zone instead.

For many, this speaks volumes not just about Walz’s commitment to national service but also about the unique and apparently overwhelming experience of working closely with Harris.

Walz’s departure from the vice-presidential ticket after only two weeks is already being heralded as a historic feat. Campaign staffers, who were reportedly taking bets on how long Walz would last, were in awe of his resilience.

To all current and former service members, we thank you for your service.

As a 24-year veteran of the National Guard, I care deeply about how our veterans are treated when they return home. I will always fight for you. pic.twitter.com/FzUAs19YBN

— Tim Walz (@Tim_Walz) September 13, 2022

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“Most people don’t make it twenty-four hours with that woman. Walz really hung in there,” said Mandy Donaldson, an aide who has since tendered her own resignation. “Twelve days was the previous record, and that guy was deaf. This is actually my last day—I just got a new job as a janitor at a slaughterhouse. I can’t wait.”

Donaldson, who looked visibly relieved at the prospect of scrubbing blood and entrails from the floors of a slaughterhouse, reflected the sentiments of many on Harris’s staff.

“It’s like every day is a new episode of a survival show, except you’re not allowed to vote anyone off the island. You just have to endure,” she said, clutching her resignation letter like a lifeline.

For Walz, the decision to return to the military was not taken lightly.

He reportedly reached out to his former comrades with a heartfelt plea for forgiveness, recounting the psychological toll of his two-week ordeal.

“Please…take me back,” Walz was overheard saying, his voice breaking with emotion.

“The horrors I have lived through these past two weeks, I do not think I will ever recover from. I’m so sorry I ever left you guys.”

Such an emotional appeal from a man once hailed as a rising star in politics has left many wondering just what transpired during those fateful days.

I’m humbled and honored to join fellow veterans from across the state to open the #DFL2022 convention. Minnesota is forever grateful for your service to our country. pic.twitter.com/Hg4gaXW8Jb

— Tim Walz (@Tim_Walz) May 20, 2022

Did Kamala Harris insist on a rigorous debate prep that would make a Navy SEAL training look like a yoga retreat?

Did she unleash a barrage of laugh lines that left Walz questioning the very fabric of reality? The details remain scarce, but the scars—both emotional and psychological—are likely to linger.

Meanwhile, Walz’s former colleagues in the military have reportedly been both bemused and sympathetic.

“We always knew Tim was tough, but this? This is next-level stuff,” said one soldier who asked to remain anonymous.

“I mean, we’re out here dodging bullets and IEDs, but spending two weeks with Kamala? That’s a different kind of battlefield.”

At the time of publication, Walz had not only re-enlisted but had also volunteered for the hazardous task of walking around searching for land mines—anything, it seems, to expedite his deployment.

“I’d rather take my chances with a land mine than another day of that laugh,” Walz allegedly confided to a close friend.

The military has yet to confirm Walz’s deployment orders, but it’s clear that wherever he ends up, his time spent with Kamala Harris will have steeled him for anything.

Whether in Iraq, Afghanistan, or some other conflict zone, Tim Walz will be bringing with him the kind of mental fortitude that only two weeks with the vice president could produce.

In the end, Walz’s decision is a testament to the strength of the human spirit—or perhaps, more accurately, the strength of the human will to flee.

Either way, his fellow soldiers should rest assured that they’re getting back a man who has truly been through the wringer. And for that, they can thank Kamala Harris.

And if you haven’t figured out that this article is entirely satire just just yet, it is. Hope you got a good laugh, please share!!

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