In what can only be described as a near-catastrophic event for American democracy, Vice President Kamala Harris narrowly escaped an attempted interview on Tuesday.

The incident, which took place at a routine campaign stop in Pennsylvania, has left political commentators and the nation at large stunned.

Secret Service agents leaped into action when a rogue reporter dared to do the unthinkable: ask questions.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” gasped one onlooker, still visibly shaken by the sight.

“One second, she’s smiling and waving, and the next thing you know, there’s this guy with a microphone. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was like watching history unfold in real-time—a real nail-biter.”

Sources say the journalist approached Harris with notepads, pens, and, most disturbingly, a camera.

The intentions were clear. This madman intended to commit the heinous act of conducting an interview in broad daylight with the candidate and President hopeful. Luckily, swift action by her security detail ensured Harris avoided any contact with the verbal ammunition being fired her way.

“Thankfully, Vice President Harris is safe and in stable condition,” a campaign spokesperson said, breathing a sigh of relief.

“We all feared the worst when that crazed person emerged from the crowd and attempted to interview the sitting U.S. vice president right there in broad daylight. Someone must be looking out for her, though, because she avoided suffering any damage in the incident.”

The FBI was quick to respond to the scene, where they discovered that the would-be interviewer had more than just questions on his mind. Investigators found multiple notepads—some of them, we can only assume, filled with the sort of probing inquiries no sitting official should have to answer.

“Isn’t that sick?” whispered a campaign insider. “This nutjob had it all planned out. He came out here for the specific purpose of interviewing Kamala Harris—and he was trying to record himself doing it. This is the type of America we can expect under Donald Trump.”

Indeed, if the attempt was meant to inspire confidence in the press, it backfired spectacularly.

Americans, accustomed to seeing their leaders protected from dangerous interactions like unscripted interviews, now find themselves grappling with the grim reality that no politician is truly safe from such threats.

At publishing time, the Secret Service had recommended that the Vice President avoid all public appearances through Election Day. It’s a drastic but necessary measure to ensure her safety and avoid the unpredictable hazards posed by the press.

“What we’ve learned from this is that the stakes are too high,” said one senior advisor. “The risk of her actually having to respond to real questions—well, it’s not a risk we’re willing to take.”

In response to the incident, the Vice President issued a brief statement to aides (carefully relayed to the press through second-hand whispers, of course).

“If anyone is ready, it’s Tim. Despite all the idiotic things he’s said, everyone is willing to keep it going and interview him instead of me,” Harris reportedly confided, referring to her running mate, Tim Walz.

“After all, I only have a few short weeks left before everyone decides who the next president will be. I’m just gonna stay away from cameras and hope for the best.”

It’s a strategy few could have predicted—but then again, 2024 has been a year full of surprises. While Harris may not be braving the tough terrain of interviews, former President Donald Trump has been dodging bullets—literally.

Having successfully avoided two assassination attempts, Trump is showing just how far modern politicians will go to avoid public scrutiny. Yet Harris’ commitment to sidestepping the press may be just as impressive, though less flashy.

Experts speculate that the Harris campaign may have been emboldened by the former president’s success in escaping deadly projectiles. If bullets can be avoided, why not interviews? It’s just a matter of scale, after all.

Meanwhile, on social media, supporters have started a #PrayForKamala trend, offering thoughts, prayers, and sage advice on how best to evade further interview attempts.

One popular suggestion, circulated by high-profile influencers, calls for the Vice President to wear sunglasses and a large hat while in public, effectively reducing her chances of being recognized by the press.

As Election Day approaches, many believe Harris will pull off the ultimate Houdini act—slipping past the spotlight and emerging victorious without ever having to field a single unscripted question.

It’s a daring play, but in these uncertain times, anything is possible.

And so, as the nation watches with bated breath, we remain ever-grateful for the Secret Service’s quick actions and for the grace of fate that has kept Kamala Harris interview-free for another day.

Only time will tell if she can continue to dodge this most terrifying of political hazards, but one thing is certain: America’s vice president remains as elusive as ever, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

And if you haven’t figured out that this article is entirely satire just just yet, it is. Hope you got a good laugh, please share!!

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