In a stunning display of what can only be described as peak American ingenuity (or absolute lunacy, depending on your perspective), small towns across the southeastern United States have suddenly developed a deep and unshakable affinity for all things Ukrainian.
But this isn’t about embracing borscht or folk dancing, no—these towns are doing what any good Southern town would do after Hurricane Helene: they’re looking for a financial windfall.
The catch? They’re all renaming themselves ‘Kiev.’
Yes, you heard it right. From Biloxi to Beaufort, town councils are holding emergency meetings to decide on one pressing matter: how fast can they legally change their names to ‘Kiev’ so they can qualify for billions of dollars in federal aid.
“If It Works for the Real Kiev…”
It all started when Mayor Buckley of Swamp Creek, Alabama, saw a news report about the U.S. sending billions of dollars to Ukraine.
According to his testimony at the town’s emergency rebranding meeting, he had what could only be described as a divine revelation while watching Fox News in his recliner, chewing on a piece of beef jerky.
“If the government’s giving all that money to Kiev, why can’t we be Kiev?” said Buckley, his thick drawl echoing off the walls of the Swamp Creek Bingo Hall, where town meetings are held between turkey shoots.
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The crowd, consisting of no less than 17 deeply invested Swamp Creekians, went wild. “Kiev Creek!” they shouted, “Kiev Creek!” It was settled in a matter of minutes. What was once Swamp Creek would now be known as Kiev Creek, Alabama, land of opportunity and, hopefully, a brand new high school football stadium built with those sweet federal funds.
The Domino Effect
Word travels fast in the South, especially when the potential for free government money is involved. By the next morning, other towns were hopping on the bandwagon.
Pickett’s Mill, Georgia? Now Kiev’s Mill, thank you very much. Sunflower Junction, Mississippi? Try Kiev Junction. Even tiny Sugar Fork, South Carolina, population 423, held a town-wide vote and emerged proudly as “Kiev Fork.”
The town’s historical marker, celebrating its role in the Revolutionary War, was promptly covered up with a sheet of plywood and hastily spray-painted with the words “Kiev Strong.”
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Oh I don’t know, if it gets tax payer funded help from the government that gets the biggest amount from tax payers. We pay taxes for emergency so how much of an emergency is a hurricane.