WASHINGTON D.C. — In a shocking revelation sure to send shockwaves throughout Washington and the world, President Elect Donald Trump unashamedly admitted he “beating” two notable women in his past on his climb to the highest office of the land.

He appears to show zero remorse for letting them have it and taking what he knows the American people want.

This admission, however, came with Trump’s characteristic flair as he clarified, “No, I didn’t beat Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris in the way the fake news would have you think. I beat them in the only arena that matters: the political one.”

The announcement comes months before his anticipated swearing-in as the 47th President of the United States. In an impromptu press conference, Trump held nothing back: “Look, I’ve been a winner my entire life. Some people say, ‘Mr. Trump, have you ever lost?’ And I say, ‘Why would I start now?’ But these ladies? Well, I guess you could say I ‘beat’ them in ways that matter.”

Round 1: Hillary Clinton – 2016

Hillary Clinton was the first victim of Trump’s political “beating.” When Trump was asked to elaborate on how exactly he “beat” her, he didn’t hesitate:

“Let me tell you, folks, that was one of the greatest victories of all time. It was HUGE. People said it was impossible, said Hillary was inevitable. But the American people didn’t want another Clinton. They wanted a Trump! It was the biggest upset in history – they didn’t believe it. But we did it, we really did it.”

Critics argue that Clinton’s loss to Trump in 2016 had little to do with direct competition and more to do with a shifting political landscape. However, Trump insists that “she never saw it coming,” describing his campaign strategy as one that could only be pulled off by “a guy who really knows how to win, like me.”

While Clinton may have moved on, still showing up in political circles, Trump’s take on his “victory” over her remains unchanged: “Hillary can give all the interviews she wants, write books, whatever. The truth is, she had her chance and I won. That’s what the scoreboard says.”

Round 2: Kamala Harris

Then, of course, there’s Kamala Harris. Though she wasn’t directly in Trump’s path until 2024, he’s now claiming another “victory” over her. Trump stated, “Look, Kamala Harris has the lowest approval rating of any VP in modern history. I didn’t even have to try – she did it to herself!”

In his typical braggadocio, Trump explained, “People keep asking me, ‘Did you ever compete against Kamala?’ And I say, ‘Well, if you want to count embarrassing her in the press, sure!’ She’s always talking tough, but I’m here to set the record straight. Kamala never stood a chance.”

Political analysts across the spectrum have weighed in on Trump’s self-proclaimed “beating” of Clinton and Harris, with many viewing it as another chapter in his long history of “unique” interpretations of past events. Columnists and pundits alike are quick to note that Trump’s recollections often contain embellishments, but as one analyst put it, “He’s consistent, I’ll give him that.”

While some might question Trump’s methods, he remains unapologetic: “People say I should be nicer, more politically correct. But look where that got them! Meanwhile, here I am, soon to be back in the Oval Office, back where I belong, with two crazy ‘beatings’ under my belt.”

As for Clinton and Harris, neither responded to Trump’s claims of “beating” at the time of publication.

Some speculate they’re simply not interested in being dragged into another Trump controversy, while others think they’re saving their response for memoirs, podcasts, or future speaking engagements.

Trump’s supporters, meanwhile, are taking his statement at face value, proudly holding signs proclaiming “TRUMP: 2, CLINTON & HARRIS: 0.” At rallies, fans are cheering his newfound narrative as yet another triumph of “the art of the deal.”

Trump has been known to throw punches to nearly anyone who gets in the way. Watch viciously attacks fellow billionaire Vince McMahon, viewer discretion is advised, WWE fights are known for their realism and this is the realest fight you’ll ever watch.

The Art of Being a Winner

Regardless of how history may judge Trump’s claim to have “beaten” Clinton and Harris, his declaration has once again drawn attention, adding another layer to his carefully crafted self-image of an undefeated champion. Whether he’s exaggerating, overreaching, or genuinely believes his own mythos, one thing is clear: Trump’s reality is one where he emerges victorious.

And as he prepares to take office once more, he’s made it clear that he’s got no plans to change his playbook.

And if you haven’t figured out that this article is entirely satire just yet, it is. Hope you got a good laugh, please share!!