WASHINGTON D.C. — In a shocking revelation sure to send shockwaves throughout Washington and the world, President Elect Donald Trump unashamedly admitted he “beating” two notable women in his past on his climb to the highest office of the land.

He appears to show zero remorse for letting them have it and taking what he knows the American people want.

This admission, however, came with Trump’s characteristic flair as he clarified, “No, I didn’t beat Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris in the way the fake news would have you think. I beat them in the only arena that matters: the political one.”

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The announcement comes months before his anticipated swearing-in as the 47th President of the United States. In an impromptu press conference, Trump held nothing back: “Look, I’ve been a winner my entire life. Some people say, ‘Mr. Trump, have you ever lost?’ And I say, ‘Why would I start now?’ But these ladies? Well, I guess you could say I ‘beat’ them in ways that matter.”

Round 1: Hillary Clinton – 2016

Hillary Clinton was the first victim of Trump’s political “beating.” When Trump was asked to elaborate on how exactly he “beat” her, he didn’t hesitate:

“Let me tell you, folks, that was one of the greatest victories of all time. It was HUGE. People said it was impossible, said Hillary was inevitable. But the American people didn’t want another Clinton. They wanted a Trump! It was the biggest upset in history – they didn’t believe it. But we did it, we really did it.”

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Critics argue that Clinton’s loss to Trump in 2016 had little to do with direct competition and more to do with a shifting political landscape. However, Trump insists that “she never saw it coming,” describing his campaign strategy as one that could only be pulled off by “a guy who really knows how to win, like me.”

While Clinton may have moved on, still showing up in political circles, Trump’s take on his “victory” over her remains unchanged: “Hillary can give all the interviews she wants, write books, whatever. The truth is, she had her chance and I won. That’s what the scoreboard says.”

Round 2: Kamala Harris

Then, of course, there’s Kamala Harris. Though she wasn’t directly in Trump’s path until 2024, he’s now claiming another “victory” over her. Trump stated, “Look, Kamala Harris has the lowest approval rating of any VP in modern history. I didn’t even have to try – she did it to herself!”

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